A narcissist is usually described as someone who believes they are better than others. It’s all about them. They think they know more about everything, are better looking, and have a better personality than those around them. They don’t have much regard for others.
Narcissists feel they deserve special treatment because they are so special. Everything they do stems from their need for approval. Life is good as long as they get their “fix.” But, those in a relationship with a narcissist often find that they unknowingly say or do the wrong thing, which sets off the narcissist’s hostility – even in minor situations.
What Makes A Person A Narcissist?
When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, the beginning stages can be overwhelmingly romantic. Narcissists are often popular people who are charming and engaging. They’ll “sweep you off your feet,” causing you to overlook any red flags.
In a new relationships, narcissists will go out of the way to make you feel special by sending flowers and surprising you with thoughtful gifts. They’ll flatter you and tell you how wonderful you are. They usually want quick intimacy and a commitment from you.
But, they are prone to grand ideas and exaggeration. They often have more than one intimate partner (even if they are in a long-term relationship) because they need more attention and admiration than one person can give them.
When something goes wrong, they lash out and their loved ones are generally their primary target. Narcissists have trouble holding positive feelings toward someone while they are angry at them. Thus, they become cold, withhold their love and attention, and sometimes become violent.
Their bullying and belittling is a way to cover up an underlying fear that they don’t measure up. A narcissist must maintain superiority at all costs, even if it means putting down or insulting their loved one in public or striking them in anger.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
In a 2009 study, Levy et al., noted that, “Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a sense of privilege or entitlement, an expectation of preferential treatment, an exaggerated sense of self-importance, and arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.”
A 2008 study by Stinson, et al., revealed that 6.2% of the U.S. adult population has NPD. The disorder is most common in males. It is thought to be caused by both genetics and biology, combined with the person’s early home life and life experiences.
Psychology Today reports that narcissistic personality disorder is indicated by five or more of the following symptoms:
- Exaggerates own importance
- Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence or ideal romance
- Believes he or she is special and can only be understood by other special people or institutions
- Requires constant attention and admiration from others
- Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
- Takes advantage of others to reach his or her own goals
- Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy
- Is often envious of others or believes other people are envious of him or her
- Shows arrogant behaviors and attitudes
How Do You Get Away From A Narcissist?
Don’t think that a narcissist will change if only you care about them enough – especially if the person has NPD.
No matter what you do, it will never be enough, last long enough, or be loving enough for them, unless the person can become more self-aware. But, it is a rare narcissist who digs deeply enough into their own shortcomings to change that much.
In their minds, everything that goes wrong is someone else’s fault. In a relationship, they fault their significant other, although their loved one has no idea what they did wrong.
Tiptoeing around their outbursts isn’t going to change them. Letting them rant won’t pacify them. In order for them to change, they have to want to change – and a narcissist won’t even be willing to try unless they can really understand and empathize with your pain.
If you want to leave a narcissist:
- Block them from your social media, block their phone number, and block the friends you have in common. A narcissist can’t stand to lose, so they’ll have no problem using any of these methods to win you back.
- Don’t go back, despite their pleas that they made a mistake or that this time will be different. For narcissists, it’s all about winning. They’ll say or do whatever it takes to get you back. But, if you go back, ultimately nothing will change and you’ll go through the cycle of upset, pain, and leaving them again.
- Concentrate on the future. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship. Don’t worry about the narcissist or try to contact them. Once a narcissist realizes the relationship is truly over, they can move on with very little thought to the pain you are going through.
- Don’t beat yourself up over the relationship. Narcissists are great manipulators and deceivers. There is even a term – narcissistic trauma bonding – that explains why it can be so difficult to leave a relationship with a narcissist.
- Learn from the relationship so you don’t repeat the pattern with someone else.
Can Narcissism Be Cured?
Current treatment for NPD is talk therapy and group therapy. These modalities sometimes can help a narcissist learn to relate to others more compassionately. Additionally, mentalization-based therapy may help the person learn to analyze someone’s behavior before misinterpreting it and reacting inappropriately.
The success of any therapy for narcissism relies on the person being able to acknowledge that they have a problem. Given a narcissist’s inflated view of themselves and their general defensiveness, this can be challenging. In fact, to date there have been no randomized clinical trials examining the efficacy of any treatment for the disorder (Levy, et al).
For many people, the best thing they can do for themselves is to break away from the narcissist. If that isn’t possible, seek therapy and get support to rebuild the self-esteem and confidence you have lost because of your abuse.
Seek out a mental health professional who has been specially trained in trauma recovery to aid in healing from narcissistic abuse. A therapist can help you learn to communicate effectively and set boundaries so the narcissist can no longer take advantage of you.
Important: if you are experiencing physical abuse, understand that it will continue or will get worse. Get help immediately by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Let Us Help
If you are involved with a narcissist, get help from our specially-trained trauma recovery mental health professionals at The Center for Treatment of Anxiety and Mood Disorders in Delray Beach, Florida. To get answers to your questions or for more information, contact us or call us today at 561-496-1094.
Levy KN, Chauhan P, Clarkin JF, et al.: Narcissistic pathology: empirical approaches. Psychiatr Ann 2009; 39:203–213
Frederick Stinson, Deborah Dawson, Rise Goldstein, S. Patricia Chou, Boji Huang, Sharon Smith, W. June Ruan, Attila Pulay, Tulshi Saha, Roger Pickering and Bridget Grant, “Prevalence, correlates, disability, and comorbidity of DSM-IV narcissistic personality disorder: Results from the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions,” Journal of Clinical Psychiatry 69, no. 7 (July 2008):1033–45, 1036.